Grace is napping alone right now. She’s been asleep on the sofa for almost two hours. She’s opened her eyes and gone right back to sleep. For those of you who don’t know me, that’s huge. Until this week, she has never slept more than 15 minutes without someone beside her for two years- except for a brief time when she was on reflux medicine that made her sleepy. Her sleep schedule has been really screwy- she’s been resisting naps, falling asleep in the late afternoon, staying up late, and sleeping late in the morning. It’s a hard cycle to break- especially since there is no forcing her to sleep when she isn’t ready and no waking her when she’s tired. So, in an effort to get her to wake up early Saturday morning, I got up out of bed. Instead of waking, she slept for an hour and woke up happy. Same thing happened at nap time Saturday. Last night she took a two hour nap without me. Each time, she’s woken up happy- except when Anthony got her out of bed instead of me- that’s another story. At night she’s still in bed with us and has been alternating between cuddling with me and rolling away from me. I don’t know what to do with this new found freedom during naps.
A lot of my friends don’t co-sleep. Some are firm believers in Babywise and Ferber. As I’ve posted updates about my joy at Grace sleeping alone, I’ve worried that it would sound as though I regret the choices I’ve made with Grace. There are so many people out there who criticize attachment parenting and co-sleeping, as well as child led scheduling (for that matter, there is plenty of criticism on both sides) and I was leary of adding more fuel to the fire by sounding like I wish we’d forced her to sleep alone from the start. Of course, this train of thought, as well as my enjoyment of two hours to myself each day this weekend left me wondering, “Do I regret the path we’ve chosen with Grace?”
It’s a loaded question. What parent doesn’t have regrets in some form or fashion. That said, I am glad she’s been a high-needs child and needed parenting around the clock. I’m glad we haven’t been able to get her to sleep alone until now. I am not naturally an attached person. I care for people, but I often get busy and forget to connect with those around me. I easily withdraw into myself and sometimes keep an unhealthy distance. Anthony calls it my “wall.” He’ll says “Baby, you’re wall is up again. Please let me in.” Grace hasn’t given me the choice of putting my wall up. Had she slept alone from day one, it would have been easy to compartmentalize parenting. I could have very easily tried to make her fit into a neat little box- one that I could conviently put away at night. I’m definately not saying that all parents of kids who sleep alone do this- I’m just saying that I could see myself doing that.
God knows me. He knows what I need to be a good parent. I truly believe He gave me a child who gave me no choice but to form a deep attachment to her. Going to sleep and waking up with her for two years, not being able to compartmentalize motherhood, putting her ahead of myself even when I haven’t wanted to, trading my love of sleep for laying awake singing to a tired baby; these things have helped me to connect and bond with my daughter in a way I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. Because of that connection and bond, I’m able to parent much better than I would have otherwise. I’m intuned to her moods and feelings enough to see when I’m not letting her in- when she’s feeling that I’m being distant. So as I sit watching my toddler sleep, I am simply content in knowing that even though it isn’t easy, attachment parenting is right for us.
